Definitions Make a Difference

Growing up with heart problems, I have always had a special interest in the human heart. The heart is an organ that never stops working as it circulates blood throughout the body. When you think about the heart in a physical way, you will learn some amazing things. But there is another way to think about the heart. You can think about the heart in a spiritual way and learn incredible things.

I often think about how Elder David A. Bednar has defined the heart; the heart is the sum total of our thoughts, desires, feelings, and motivations. It's who we are and who we are becoming.

This definition of the heart means a lot to me. This is because a lot of what I feel,what motivates me, who I am and who I am becoming is a result of my heart. Looking at the heart with Elder Bednar's definition in mind helps me to see my heart problems as a blessing because my heart problems have taught me many lessons that I would otherwise not have learned.

One of the greatest helps I have to overcome the challenges associated with heart problems is the value positive perspectives bring to my life. I wish and hope that helpful knowledge such as Elder Bednar's definition of the heart will fill my mind and enable me to learn from the difficult situations that arise in my life.

Love Helps Forget

Waking up from open heart surgery is quite the experience. As the anesthesia wears off, the beeping of machines fills your ears. Slowly you start to regain consciousness. Then it just hurts. After some time, you open your eyes to see where you are but the anesthesia makes you pretty groggy. Pretty much all you can put together is that you are not dead, there are a bunch of people around you, and some kind of machine keeps beeping. Eventually, the anesthesia gets out of your system and you can think clearly and quickly. My favorite part during this phase is the sick feeling usually goes away and you are ready for food. Still hurting, you step by step become yourself again. Gradually the pain subsides until you get to the point of boredom and finally you get to go home!

That is pretty much what it is like to wake up from surgery. There are many other things that go on after surgery: bandages, physical therapy (I don’t like this one), tests, tests, and even more tests. What is interesting to me is not what I remember about post op, but rather, what it is that I don’t remember. I honestly don’t remember how the pain felt after any of my surgeries. Four open heart surgeries and I can’t remember how the pain felt. I do remember that I was in more pain then I had ever before been in. I can tell you that I thought, “this must be what it feels like to get hit by a train head on.”

Now, i’m sure a social worker or psychologist has a mental or physiological explanation for this lack of remembrance; and I am not saying that those answers are wrong. But I do have my own answer for why I can’t remember how the pain felt after surgery: Love. The love that Heavenly Father has for His children. I believe that a merciful part of Heavenly Father's plan for us prevents us from exactly remembering the pains of the past. We will remember that it hurt, but not what that hurt felt like. I’m so grateful for the love Heavenly Father has for me, in allowing me to forget the pain of the past without forgetting the experience.

Following a Hope

Left to right: me, my grandfather, my brother.

On a Sunday afternoon, three weeks before I was to have open heart surgery, my family and I sat around my grandfather’s dinner table. Amidst busy conversations weaving back and forth across the table my grandfather, sitting next to me, nudge my arm to get my attention. He leaned in towards me and indicated that I should hold out my hand. Confused but obedient, I stuck out my hand, curious to see what he was going to do. With a smile on his face he pulled his truck keys out of his pocket and dropped them into my hand. I clutched the keys in my hand awaiting instructions from my grandpa to go get something out of his truck, but to my surprise this is not what occurred. My grandfather leaned in and said, “here is something to look forward to after your heart surgery.”

At the time, I did not have the words to describe what this did for me as a 16 year old preparing for heart surgery. As I have ponder this experience, the way I think about overcoming challenges has changed. My grandfather acted on a hope that I would successfully come out of heart surgery. He went forward with a hope that my surgery would be successful; the fear of a negative outcome had no effect on his actions.

I learned from my grandfather that I need to conduct my life by following a hope. A hope that good things will happen and great opportunities will emerge. There will always be a chance that outcomes won’t be what I want, but if things do go the way I want, by following a hope i’ll be ready.

Learning From Perspective

Life is funny. In my case, how heart problems affect my life is funny. They have both subtly and not so subtly shaped my entire life. I have always had heart problems so I don’t know what it’s like to live without them. But, I can speak about what it is like to live with heart problems. Throughout my younger years I spent a lot of time on the sidelines because I could not physically keep up with all the other kids. This was hard for me. As I watched all my friends do what I could not, being healthy became the one thing I always wanted.

Heart problems can be dealt with in many ways. Some people do their best to hide from them. This approach will only cause internal turmoil by conditioning yourself to be afraid of your own medical problems. Others take the trials head on. From my experience, this is the best way to deal with heart problems.

A positive head on approach to heart problems is not by “learning to live with” heart problems, but rather, “having the opportunity to live with” heart problems. Medical challenges provide one a unique perspective on life that can completely change the way you view the world. They create a lens through which you can see the world from a rare perspective. This perspective for me often comes through the activities I participate in. For me, this perspective allowed me to learn a valuable lesson about what is most important to me in my life. I learned that when you can’t do all that you want to do, you will do what you know you should do.

Growing up with heart problems was a unique experience. Though I was never able to participate in all the activities I would have liked, I was able to do all the things that were important to me. Within my religion I was able to do everything that others could do. I came to see that although I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do, I was able to do everything I knew I needed to do.

The Power of Thought

The arrhythmias began the final day of my junior year in high school. Without any provocation, my heart would go from a normal 60 beats per minute (bpm) to an astounding 300 bpm. As soon as my heart rate jumped so high, my heart stayed at the fast rate. As you can imagine, at 300 bpm my energy level would quickly decrease. To bring my heart rate back to normal, I would go to the hospital where they would shock my heart and bring my rate back to normal.

That day, the last day of school my junior year, was just the beginning of the struggles I would have with arrhythmias. Over the next few years I would go in and out of arrhythmias, always ending in a hospital trip to get shocked. More than anything, getting shocked was inconvenient. Every time I went to the hospital, I knew that I would be there for at least five hours. I came to dread arrhythmias because I didn’t want to take time out of my schedule to go to the hospital.

This dread lead to hyper observance. I would monitor my rate rate several times every hour to make sure that my heart rate was where it should be. But as the weeks went on I began to go into more and more arrhythmias. Eventually, it became clear that the increased frequency of arrhythmias was my fault! My hyper observance was inadvertently causing me to go into arrhythmias. My preoccupation of arrhythmias stressed me to the point of arrhythmias.

With practice, I learned how to control my thoughts so that I my attention was not focused on my heart rate. The frequency of my arrhythmias drastically decreased and my quality of life increased, all because I changed the focus of my thoughts.

Focus on Slushies

This boy accomplished many things that day. He came out of surgery well, taught me a valuable life lesson, and of course, got his slushies. What I learned was that the most important action we can take in the face of adversity is where we choose to put our focus. In life, there are so many things that are out of our control. What we can do is deliberately choose to focus on the positive aspects of life, and by so doing, we can have the confidence to move forward just like that little boy did.

I remember a little boy who was going in for a minor operation. In contrast to the procedures he had in the past, this operation was, to him, “a piece of cake.” The operation was simple, but to most healthy people would have been concerning. This boy however, was not scared one bit. The only thing that was on his mind was the unlimited slushies he would get after the surgery. He was not ignorant as to the nature of the operation, nor was he unaware of the risks associated with surgery, rather, he knew that focusing on the stresses outside of his control would be pointless and so instead focused on the outcome that was pleasant for him.

When you are in the hospital, you can find a lot of things to be frustrated with. The medical experience for any patient seems to move excruciatingly slow. The majority of the time you spend in a hospital is spent waiting. What’s worse, because medical workers are people, mistakes happen, and that can be frustrating. People who are not accustomed to the medical realm seems to be amazed at how long or inconvenient hospital visits can be. But as I grew up in an out of a children’s hospital, I saw the power of focusing on the good.

Living is a Team Sport

I imagine my friends were quite amused seeing me arrive home from the hospital after surgery. As I came up the street where I lived, I saw many of my friends outside waiting for me. I tried to wave but only ended up wiggling my fingers. My friends came and opened the car door and I got out to talk with them. Between the painkillers the doctors had me on and my slow movements I was very entertaining to be around. Strange comments and delayed responses kept my friends laughing for hours.

While I was not feeling very well the day I came home, the fact that my friends cared enough about me to be there and stay with me meant the world. My friends were a crucial support system for me after my fourth heart surgery. They spent a lot of time with me doing anything they could to help. On good days we would watch movies, play video games, enjoy board games, or just talk. When I was having a bad day my friends would bring me a treat or write me a card. The little things they did really made the difference for me. I am forever grateful for those trying times in my life when my friends and I were able to strengthen our friendships.

Friendships are some of the sweetest associations we will ever have in our lives. The happiest families will describe themselves as friends. The closest couples say that they married their best friend. Time and time again it always comes back to friends! When it comes down to what brings us the most joy, for me I have learned it is all about friends. In tough times or easy times, friends are what make experiences worth remembering. Friends enable one to really live; after all, living is a team sport.